I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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