Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
