Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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