just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
