so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
