she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
