grandma shit on top of the toilet
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
