I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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