My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
