when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it hurts more in the daytime
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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