I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
