wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
