So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
whose parrot is this?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize