Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
