I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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