awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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