My sheets look like a crime scene.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
