dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
