My hand turned me down
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
