he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
