I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
