So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
