i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
