Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
