Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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