we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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