Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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