haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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