My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
