Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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