he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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