i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
