I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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