Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
