What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
