Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
