my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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