the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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