I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
