Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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