That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
