Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
