My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
