just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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