Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
