??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
