I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
