Already got asked if we're dating
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
