I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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