Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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