she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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