Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
