I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
