Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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