You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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