And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
